You may never find “non-toxic” friends because humans are complex beings. Even people who love you dearly can upset or disappoint you. Just like an unexpected rain during a barbecue party, it has nothing to do with you personally. Despite this, social media influencers suggest cutting off toxic friends or family, even if it leads to isolation.
This advice is wrong on two levels. First, social isolation may cause stress, increase anxiety, and negatively affect your physical health. Another reason is the advice is based on a wrong definition of “toxic” in the context of relationships.
Defining the term toxic is not easy because there are many types of toxic people. Generally, the signs that a person may be toxic are when they make you feel inadequate, insecure, anxious, and stressed whenever you are around them. Toxic people are manipulative, self-absorbed, selfish, and lack empathy, not just unpleasant.
Note that a friend who occasionally forgets to call you or sometimes makes you feel insecure about yourself is not necessarily toxic.
Psychology Today offers additional resources on understanding the psychology behind toxic relationships and how to recognize when a friendship has become damaging: Psychology Today - Toxic relationships.
Toxic people cannot empathize and may not take it kindly when you point out their negative behavior. Efforts to save the relationship are wasted, as the toxic person will always play the victim. You have no choice but to cut off unbearable people if you want to protect your mental health.
The initial step to ending such a friendship involves resisting the urge to forgive the toxic person even when they say they are willing to change. They may be trying to manipulate you.
You need to stand your ground and cut all contact with the person,
Completely cutting off a family member or coworker is only sometimes possible. If you can’t cut them off, limit time spent with them to lessen the impact of their behavior. Another technique is finding a support system comprising friends or family to listen and validate your concerns.
You can also find a new purpose in life that keeps you physically and mentally healthy. This could include finding a new hobby or even traveling.
Mayo Clinic - Healthy relationships offers insights into how healthy relationships can be cultivated and maintained, even when dealing with difficult individuals.
Relationships take time to mature and there may be a lot of bumps before you reach a friendship sweet spot. Every time you disagree is a slight bump in that journey of growth, not an obstacle that is impossible to conquer.
For some, the sweet spot is tolerating faults, setting boundaries, and celebrating strengths.
So, before you cut off a “toxic” friend, find out whether they are actually toxic or your friendship is still growing. Having peace of mind is great but should not come at the expense of forming enduring and beneficial friendships or relationships.
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