Attachment theory explores how you relate to others and to the world around you. It helps explain the ways you form emotional bonds and respond to closeness. Identifying your attachment style gives insight into patterns that repeat in your relationships. These patterns often show up with family, romantic partners, friends, or coworkers.
Understanding your style reveals the stories you may tell yourself—like “I’ll always be this way,” or “I always attract the same kind of partner.” These beliefs can keep you stuck. Recognizing them is the first step toward breaking free.
In this way, attachment theory is more than just a trend or buzzword. It’s a practical tool for improving emotional health and building stronger relationships.
British psychoanalyst John Bowlby, known as the first attachment theorist, focused his research on children’s attachment behaviors, such as the distress children often feel when separated from their primary caregivers. Bolby proposed how early caregiver-child relationships influence later emotional development and social behavior.
Mary Ainsworth, an American Canadian psychologist, expanded on Bowlby’s attachment theory. She is best known for her research on how attachment affects behavior. In her “Strange Situation” experiment, Ainsworth observed how infants (12 to 18 months old) reacted to brief separation from their mothers. She identified three main attachment styles: secure, ambivalent-insecure, and avoidant-insecure. Later, researchers Mary Main and Judith Solomon added a fourth: disorganized-insecure attachment.
Boston Evening Therapy Associates clinician Jennifer Shaw described attachment theory/style as “the attachment style (secure, avoidant, anxious, disorganized) you gravitate towards based on your early learning patterns with your primary caregiver.”
Jennifer Shaw, LICSW, has over 30 years of experience. She has worked in early intervention with medically fragile babies. She also directed the Healthy Families program in Framingham. In addition, she supervised child and adolescent psychiatric units at a major Boston hospital. Jenn now works with children, teens, adults, and couples in her clinical practice.
Jenn explains that people develop their attachment style from their primary caregiver and the quality of that relationship. She notes that no relationship is perfect. Still, it’s important to look at the good, the less-than-ideal, and the harmful parts of that early bond. Ask yourself: was that person consistent most of the time? Were they unstable in some ways? “Perhaps through trauma or mental health challenges, they had issues that weren’t being addressed,” Jenn says.
A secure attachment style is characterized by being comfortable with both intimacy and autonomy in close relationships. Jenn describes people with secure attachment as generally trusting others and feeling worthy of love. Additionally, those with secure attachment are comfortable communicating their feelings and needs and can seek support when needed.
In Ainsworth’s “Strange Situation” experiment, children with reliable, responsive caregivers became upset when separated but calmed down when reunited. Even if distressed, they trusted their caregiver would return. When scared, they sought comfort from that caregiver and felt safe doing so.
Jenn describes a secure attachment style as having a sense of independence, being comfortable in relationships and with affection, and being willing and able to handle and resolve conflict.
Despite growing interest in attachment issues, secure attachment is still the most common. Research by Mickelson, Kessler, & Shaver (1997) shows about 59% of people fall into this category.
An avoidant attachment style is characterized by emotional distance, discomfort with intimacy, and a strong preference for independence. People with this style often downplay their emotional needs and resist depending on others, or allowing others to rely on them.
In childhood, avoidant attachment may appear in children who seem indifferent when a caregiver leaves and show little reaction when they return. This pattern often stems from caregiving that was emotionally unavailable or dismissive, prompting the child to suppress their need for connection as a form of self-protection.
Jenn describes avoidant attachment as “somebody who can be aloof or a little bit emotionally detached in relationships, avoiding intimacy and vulnerability.” She adds that individuals with this style may prefer to “spend a bit more time away from their partner, often needing space to manage emotional discomfort.”
An anxious attachment style is characterized by heightened anxiety in relationships, including intense fears of rejection and abandonment, feelings of insecurity, and a strong need for closeness, reassurance, and validation. Individuals with this style may sometimes seem clingy or overly dependent.
In childhood, anxious attachment is often seen in children who become extremely distressed when separated from a caregiver and remain anxious even after reunion. This pattern usually develops from inconsistent caregiving, creating uncertainty about the availability and reliability of close relationships.
Jenn describes anxious attachment as a fear of rejection or abandonment. She adds that people with this style “tend to be very sensitive to criticism of any sort and need constant reassurance.”
For example, someone with an anxious attachment style might respond to their partner’s avoidant attachment style with fears of perceived abandonment or rejection. Jenn notes, “When someone with an avoidant attachment style tries to withdraw or flee during conflict, an anxious attachment may perceive this as abandonment and struggles to be apart from others.
Disorganized attachment involves a mix of wanting closeness and fearing it. This often leads to trust issues and push-pull relationship patterns. People may behave inconsistently—seeking connection, then withdrawing or acting out. These patterns usually come from early environments where the caregiver was both comforting and frightening.
Disorganized attachment often stems from early trauma, neglect, or abuse. It can lead to lasting confusion and anxiety in close relationships.
Jenn describes disorganized attachment as “a combination of the anxious and the avoidant attachments.” She adds, "Those with a disorganized attachment style tend to take things slightly more extreme. For example, they might have difficulties with boundaries and tend to have a bit more high-conflict relationships in general.”
Jenn explains that one of the most common misconceptions about attachment style is the belief that you are born with it or cannot change depending on the nature of the relationship, as well as through emotional experiences. “We know that’s not true,” Shaw said, referencing Amir Levine’s book, Attached, which suggests that attachment styles can evolve, especially in response to meaningful emotional experiences.
Jenn explains how she and her clients often work together in therapy to identify and understand their attachment style or issues and how this can improve relationships with others and themselves.
“I had a client who came in saying, ‘I think I have avoidant attachment,’ and I didn’t necessarily believe that [they did]. Although this client had some avoidant attachment qualities, I thought they were more mixed. And we talked about that a lot.”
For example, you can be secure with your best friend, but anxious with your partner.
“Without understanding both your and the other’s attachment styles and issues, some dynamics can easily lead to conflict,” Jenn explains.
For example, Jenn says that someone might feel confident and secure at work. Their anxious attachment may not show in professional settings. But those same struggles can be more obvious in close relationships, like with a partner or friend.
Jenn describes an individual with an anxious attachment at work as someone who might always seek feedback or approval from the boss. In other words, they may be very competent at their
job but unable to execute whatever they need to do without confirming with the boss, ‘This is right, right?’
Conversely, Jenn says an avoidant attachment style may cause somebody to struggle to take advice because they think they are the be-all know-all. Additionally, an avoidant attachment may pull away a little from people.
Exploring attachment theory could offer valuable insight if someone notices recurring patterns in their relationships, whether romantic, platonic, or professional.
In couples therapy, Jenn finds it helpful to examine recurring dynamics and themes, as differences in attachment styles often play a significant role in how partners relate to one another and the world at large.
Consider what themes pop up on repeat in your relationships. “For example, if someone feels abandoned whenever conflict arises in a relationship – or if someone finds themselves dating ‘the same person’ over and over again – exploring attachment styles would probably be warranted,” Jenn says.
“The goal of therapy is universal: to learn more about yourself and how you experience the world around you. Truly, knowledge is power. When someone learns to identify patterns, common themes, etc., they can go into a situation with a better understanding of themselves and others,” Jenn adds.
Jenn describes progress as, firstly, “doing therapy in itself.” She “would see progress in the client if they can start identifying relationship patterns for themselves.”
Additionally, Jenn attributes progress to developing a stronger sense of self, what she refers to as a “secure base,” along with improved emotional regulation.
“Before you can regulate emotions, you must be able to identify them and understand what they mean,” Jenn says.
“Once people understand what’s going on, they feel more empowered to change,” she says. “It also helps them see where they’re coming from, so they don’t view it as something wrong with them.”
Jenn describes DBT as “a toolkit for identifying and regulating emotions, which is a great place to start” when exploring attachment issues. She adds, “DBT does a nice job of offering a wide range of tools to help people improve interpersonal effectiveness.”
For instance, when addressing a concern in a relationship, Jenn encourages clients to reflect on their ultimate goal: Is it to feel heard? To prove a point? To preserve or end the relationship? These are the types of questions she explores with clients in DBT.
Jenn reminds us that we can always grow through attachment work. “We can always ‘unstick’ ourselves. We’re always learning,” she says. “I tell people—the day we stop learning about ourselves and the world is, hopefully, the day we die.”
If you’d like to deepen your understanding of attachment styles, Jenn recommends these insightful resources:
Attachment Theory in Practice by Dr. Sue Johnson — Applies attachment principles in clinical and therapeutic settings.
Attached by Amir Levine — A clear, practical guide to understanding how attachment styles influence romantic relationships.
The Avoidant Attachment Workbook for Stronger and More Secure Connections by Elizabeth Summers — A workbook designed to help those who struggle with emotional distance and intimacy.
The Anxious, Avoidant, and Disorganized Attachment Recovery Workbook by Lulu Nicholson — Practical exercises for identifying and healing attachment wounds.
Hold Me Tight by Dr. Sue Johnson — A foundational book on adult attachment and Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFT).
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