How To Cope With Pet Loss and the Grief Process

We Lose Our Source Of Non-Judgmental Love and Channel For Nurturing

It has been suggested that the death of a pet is a loss of a source of non-judgmental love. Pets don’t judge us and give us affection unconditionally. Pets allow us to satisfy our need to nurture and care for others.

We Need Our Questions Answered

Completely out of the blue, my 9-year old poodle Chequers, started having some serious health problems recently. He underwent a series of tests and then was diagnosed with Lymphoma after ruling out just about everything else. He was near death with little bodily functions when he was prescribed Prednisone, and within a few days he stabilized.

Our local vet did not sugarcoat the news and to guard against our enthusiasm and sense of hope- he and the hospital Vet both labeled his prognosis “guarded at best” and we were told that he had only a few months to live, at most.  We wanted answers to all  our questions, but were left feeling there was no hope or options, and the tests were often inconclusive. After depleting us of our hope (and our bank balance), they still didn’t know what was going on with Chequers- leaving us frustrated and angry.

Financial and Emotional Stress, Re-Experiencing Of Previous Losses

Needless to say, this has been an extremely stressful time for me and my family emotionally and financially and brought up memories of past losses of pets and relatives alike. I re-experienced the feeling associated with the loss of my first pet and recalled the grieving process that I went through.

Pets are a Family

When sharing our story with friends and relative many described similar experiences with their pets and the “rollercoaster ride” of emotions that they experienced. After conducting some research into what I was going through- I discovered that over half of American households have pets. Because these pets are companions and share our lives on a daily basis-most of us consider them part of the family.

Sharing Your Story With Others Helps

Knowing that others had similar experiences and sharing them was helpful to me but I learned that unfortunately, society as a whole does not give as much support for pet loss as that of a person. There are no days off work allowed in any company I have ever worked for-to cope with the loss of a pet, and many people ask you “when you are going to get another pet?” There is somehow the belief that pets, like objects, can be replaced easily and the implication is that grieving is not necessary.

Blame Anger And Guilt

As many people do-we tended to blame ourselves and each other for our pet’s illness. Did we give him the wrong (tainted) brand of dog food? Did we allow him to play on too many lawns with chemicals?  Did we not take him to the vet often enough?

We could not help but wonder if we made “the right” decisions at key points in the crisis.  We were also distressed and angry by the varying levels of competency and caring of the professionals involved that we experienced-especially after we spent so much money and still did not have a definitive answer as to the cause of Chequer’s illness.  At the animal hospital we ran into a number of people who shared our concerns, sense of guilt, anger and disappointment with the staff involved. Many we met or observed were in shock, angry, or grieving.

Normal Grief Response

Grief is the normal response to any important loss in our life. It occurs regardless of the circumstances surrounding the death-whether it followed a prolonged illness, or suddenly. People that grieve experience both emotional and physical trauma as they attempt to adapt to the upheaval in their lives caused by their loss.

The Stages Or Phases Of Grief

The normal process of grieving that most people experience is not a process that can be gone through phase by phase. Rather, the grief process is on a continuum, with each person experiencing it in a different way. Many mental health professionals divide the grief process in to phases or stages to help the grief stricken person to understand that what they are going through in the way of experiences and emotions is normal.

Everyone Processes Differently

Some people will progress through all the phases fairly quickly, while others may appear to be “stuck” in a particular stage. The stages of grief, summarized below, are those that are the most accepted, and they are as follows:

1.  Shock and Denial:
 Denial may begin when you first learn the seriousness of your animal’s illness or injuries. Often, the more sudden the death, the more difficult the loss is to accept and the stronger the denial. In this stage-the reality of death has not yet been accepted by the bereaved. He or she is still in shock-not having fully comprehended the loss, feels stunned and bewildered.
2. Anger and Guilt: 
 Anger and guilt often follow denial. The grief stricken person may have angry outbursts at family, friends, health professionals. themselves, God, or the world in general. The bereaved will also experience feelings of guilt or fear in this stage. The guilt may stem from a feeling of at some level believing that they caused the pet's illness through some action or inaction. The thoughts will start in this way: "if only I....." Also, guilt may often be present particularly in the case where the owner had to make the decision to euthanize the pet.
3. Bargaining:
 In this stage, the bereaved tries to make a deal or offers a reward to either God, the Vet or  a Clergy member. They might say things like “I will go to Church every day if only my pet will come back to me.”
4. Depression- 
Depression occurs in reaction to the changed way of life created by the loss. Day-to-day tasks can seem impossible to perform and you may feel isolated and alone. Many depressed people will avoid the company of friends and family. The bereaved person will feel intense feeling of sadness, hopelessness, exhausted, and often helpless. The pet is deeply missed and thought about constantly.'
5.  Acceptance- 
Acceptance can be seen when the changes brought about by the loss are stabilized into a new lifestyle. 
The  level of intensity in the mourning process depends on a number of factor such as the circumstances surrounding the death, the age of the pet and pet owner, the relationship of the pet to the owner and to other family members. Recently experiencing the death of a significant person in the owner’s life can also affect how the pet’s death is handled. Usually, children recover more quickly, while the elderly take the longest. Sometimes, the death of a pet will finally enable the bereaved to mourn the loss of a person, whose death had not yet been accepted.