There are many articles out there to help us determine what toxicity looks like in various interpersonal relationships.

But what do you do if you read those articles? Then to your surprise, instead of seeing your friend or partner or boss, you see yourself?

First, know that seeing yourself in descriptions of toxic behaviors does not make you toxic. In fact, it’s actually a good indicator that you aren’t toxic. Self-awareness, or a lack thereof, is a big part of what differentiates truly toxic behavior from mere mortal imperfections. We’ll get into why that’s the case in just a moment. But for now, take comfort in the fact that recognizing your faults (I prefer to frame them as ‘growing edges’) already frees you from a toxic label in my view.

As a therapist, I work with people every day who come to me because they want to work on themselves. Some want to adjust their own behaviors they’ve realized aren’t ideal or beneficial. Whereas some want to work on healing from the consequences they’ve endured due to others’ problematic behaviors. Therapy helps people discover their own power and agency in their lives to make positive and impactful change.

When it comes to our own problematic behaviors, the truth is it’s far more beneficial to focus on personal growth and healing instead of worrying about whether or not to slap a toxic label on yourself.

That being said, let’s take a closer look at what toxicity really is and how to identify it in yourself.

How to Tell if You’re Toxic

First things first. We all have problematic tendencies in our behaviors. It’s simply part of being human. Living an imperfect life in an imperfect world will inevitably create imperfect ways of dealing with human experiences like fear, loss, and pain. These survival techniques often turn into imperfect traits as they are reinforced mechanisms for helping us feel safe and secure.

Being imperfect is not the same as being toxic, though it can be tempting to confuse the two. Unfortunately there is not currently an official clinical definition or diagnosis of what constitutes toxic behavior or people. This leaves the toxic label open to interpretation, and pop psychology can convince you that any imperfect behavior is toxic and should be met with swift and severe consequences. We are encouraged to cut out toxic people from our lives. Leaving us in a conundrum of what to do about our own problematic traits.

Imperfect Traits vs. Toxic Red Flags

To help tease out the difference between toxic and imperfect traits, it’s important to evaluate the frequency of the behaviors as well as the intention behind them. Let’s look at a few imperfect behaviors to get an idea of how they differ from toxic red flags:

Imperfect Behavior: Desiring attention from loved ones or in a group and interrupting or oversharing to focus the conversation on yourself.
Toxic Red Flag: Feeling the need to dominate every conversation. Turning every topic back to yourself, constantly talking over others, or exaggerating your stories to steal focus.

Imperfect Behavior: Not making enough time for friends during busy seasons of life, leaving some texts unanswered, and coming across as disinterested or neglectful.
Toxic Red Flag: Only reaching out to friends when you need something. Never thinking to ask them about what is going on in their life or reaching out just to see how they’re doing.

Imperfect Behavior: Acting out of a momentary feeling of insecurity. Trying to manipulate someone into doing what you feel you require in order to meet your needs.
Toxic Red Flag: A pattern of manipulative behavior where the primary concern is always getting what you want and making yourself look good at the expense of others.

Imperfect Behavior: Occasionally stepping over someone’s boundaries in an effort to get what you need out of your relationship with them.
Toxic Red Flag: A total disregard for others’ boundaries and always seeing your own needs as paramount.

Imperfect Behavior: Acting out of defensiveness in the heat of a disagreement or conflict, saying or doing something regretful.
Toxic Red Flag: Acting out of defensiveness as the default. Never being willing to consider another point of view and being unable to have an authentic and open discussion that focuses on a different perspective.

Self-Awareness and Growth

Are you seeing the pattern? Toxic red flags are predictable patterns of behavior, not infrequent lapses in judgment. Their intentions are always self-serving at the expense of others. If you respond to your imperfect behaviors with remorse and a desire to do better, they are just growing edges. They aren’t poisonous.

This is where self-awareness plays a big role. Research shows that when we can self-evaluate, we are better able to consider other perspectives, have more self-control, and act from a place of healthy self-esteem and even creativity.

So if you’re asking, “Am I the toxic friend?” you are already on a promising path.

Know Your ‘Whys’

If you have a toxic behavioral pattern in your life, it’s important to explore the underlying causes behind the patterns so you can change them. This 2017 study shows that when we engage in self-reflection on our decisions, we can gain more self-awareness and make choices toward meaningful outcomes.

So when it comes to your own problematic behaviors, evaluate what might have led you to develop those behaviors in the first place. This is often best done in a therapy setting where a skilled professional can help uncover these causes. But here are a few helpful questions to start with:

• Can you recall when you started utilizing this behavior? Or have you been doing it for as long as you can remember?
• When you act this way, what are you feeling? (Defensive, neglected, scared, insecure, etc.)
• What are you trying to gain through this behavior? (Security, safety, attention, comfort, control, etc.)
• What has led you to feel as though those things are missing in your life?

It’s important to validate your authentic answers to these questions. Remember, living in an imperfect world has led to imperfect experiences in your life, and big or small, they deserve to be recognized. Painful past experiences or unmet needs throughout your life may have led to imperfect behaviors. That said, they don’t have to define who you are or label you as hopelessly toxic. Instead, you can find healing in detoxing techniques that get at the root cause and replace imperfect behaviors with productive self-care strategies.

Detoxing from Toxic Behaviors

Healing from the underlying causes of your imperfect or even toxic behaviors is possible. My first suggestion is to seek out therapy. Having the nonjudgmental, encouraging, and knowledgeable support of a trained therapist can expedite your healing and provide proven strategies for growth. If we think of the underlying causes of toxic behavior as the true toxin, then it makes sense to get the help of a professional who understands the root cause (attachment wounds, anxiety, etc.) to help bring true healing.

Freeing yourself from toxic behaviors takes time. Taking responsibility for your actions and how they have harmed others, making amends where you can, and being proactive in developing better strategies and behavioral habits are all part of the equation. But first and foremost, the greatest antidote for toxic behavior is self-compassion.

Key Detox Remedy: Self-Compassion

Whether you recognize toxic patterns in yourself or acknowledge that you have imperfect traits you’d like to change, a prescription of self-compassion is warranted. Western culture especially has clung to the idea that white-knuckling our way to improvement is the only way. When in fact it’s proven to be among the least effective means of change. As an alternative course of treatment, researcher Kristin Neff outlines a prescription of self-compassion which includes three elements:

1. Self-kindness instead of self-judgment for the suffering we experience.
2. Understanding that the struggles we’ve experienced are not isolated to ourselves as individuals. They are part of the common experience of humanity. In other words, you are not alone. You are the only person to struggle with imperfect or even toxic behaviors, it is a common experience across humankind.
3. Embracing our struggles with mindfulness. Instead of over-identifying with our faults, Neff suggests accepting their existence and treating ourselves like we would treat a good friend. Offering encouraging support instead of harsh criticism.

Remember, someone is only as toxic as they are unwilling to accept their faults and work on their problematic behaviors. Your willingness to examine your behaviors and work on healing and improving makes you a friend, partner, parent, and colleague worth having.

This advice is wrong on two levels. First, social isolation may cause stress, increase anxiety, and negatively affect your physical health. Another reason is the advice is based on a wrong definition of “toxic” in the context of relationships.  

What are Toxic Friends?

Defining the term toxic is not easy because there are many types of toxic people. Generally, the signs that a person may be toxic are when they make you feel inadequate, insecure, anxious, and stressed whenever you are around them. Toxic people are manipulative, self-absorbed, selfish, and lack empathy, not just unpleasant.

Note that a friend who occasionally forgets to call you or sometimes makes you feel insecure about yourself is not necessarily toxic.

Psychology Today offers additional resources on understanding the psychology behind toxic relationships and how to recognize when a friendship has become damaging: Psychology Today - Toxic relationships.

Can you continue your friendship with a toxic person?

Toxic people cannot empathize and may not take it kindly when you point out their negative behavior. Efforts to save the relationship are wasted, as the toxic person will always play the victim.  You have no choice but to cut off unbearable people if you want to protect your mental health.

The initial step to ending such a friendship involves resisting the urge to forgive the toxic person even when they say they are willing to change. They may be trying to manipulate you. 

You need to stand your ground and cut all contact with the person,

What if the toxic friend is a relative or a coworker?

Completely cutting off a family member or coworker is only sometimes possible. If you can’t cut them off, limit time spent with them to lessen the impact of their behavior. Another technique is finding a support system comprising friends or family to listen and validate your concerns. 

You can also find a new purpose in life that keeps you physically and mentally healthy. This could include finding a new hobby or even traveling.

Mayo Clinic - Healthy relationships offers insights into how healthy relationships can be cultivated and maintained, even when dealing with difficult individuals.

When NOT to cut off friends

Relationships take time to mature and there may be a lot of bumps before you reach a friendship sweet spot. Every time you disagree is a slight bump in that journey of growth, not an obstacle that is impossible to conquer. 

For some, the sweet spot is tolerating faults, setting boundaries, and celebrating strengths.

So, before you cut off a “toxic” friend, find out whether they are actually toxic or your friendship is still growing. Having peace of mind is great but should not come at the expense of forming enduring and beneficial friendships or relationships.

Credit: pixabay

Unmet Expectations Can Sour Relationships

"If I have to ask for it, then it doesn't count."

I think we've all had this thought at some point in our relationships, and are familiar with the sentiment behind it as well. If not, then you must be either very blessed or very lucky -- blessed with an incredibly attentive partner, or with very few desires. In either case, you have good reason to be thankful!

Disappointment Over Something a Spouse was Supposed to Do

For the rest of us, though, this thought often comes up when we ourselves, or our partner, feels disappointed, let down, frustrated, rejected, or just plain mad, because our significant other didn't do something he/she was 'supposed to do'.  I'm including guys and girls here, because this relationship experience is truly universal.

However, the stereotype holds that it is the women in the relationship who often end up holding the short end of the stick on this one, and I have found this to be true frequently among the couples with whom I work. Sorry guys, but stay with me, you may still like some of the stops on this train of thought.

In relationships, there are a number of conventions that we can count on. For example, on our birthdays, we can expect cards and presents. On Mother's or Father's Day, we can expect cards and presents. On Valentine's Day, we can expect cards and presents. On anniversaries, we can expect cards and presents.

I hope you see the trend.

However, beyond gifts, notes, and cards, there are also certain ways of being treated that we believe we can expect, based on our relationships with our significant others.

Social Conventions Are Easy Because Both Partners Know What They are Supposed to Do

These conventions are pretty clear examples of what a partner/spouse should do because they are, by and large, conventions in our culture.

So many couples observe these conventions that it's common to say you should give a gift and/or card on Saint Parents' Birth-aversary Day mainly because "everyone does it."

While a bit hyperbolic, the meaning behind the hyperbole is that in our culture we hold to the convention that we honor, respect, and cherish our loved ones, and these conventional days are used to show that in conventional ways.

And on these days a loved one shouldn't need to ask for recognition, love and attention, let alone cards and presents. And on those certain days, if you did have to ask for that card, present or loving attention then you would feel like it didn't count.

What About The Mundane Everyday?

Beyond these major holidays and common milestones, though, each of us have ways that we think our significant other should act, should treat us, should live with us, etc.

Among couples some of the common commandments of co-habitation carry the status of social convention, such as thou shalt put the seat down after you're done. Why put the seat down? Because it's a sign of respect for the next user who may need it down, most often the women in our lives.... Oh, and because everyone knows that you should put the seat down. Such is the power of convention.

Mushrooming Expectations

When you start looking around your relationship, the expectations of should and shouldn't multiply faster than dandelions.

We have ways we think the house or apartment should be kept, or the laundry or dishes should be done. We have ways that we think we should be greeted when coming home, or spoken to in general, or treated on special occasions.

When those expectations aren't met, and our should-list isn't observed enough by our partner, we get mad.

It's probably not hard to think of a time when your partner didn't do something he or she was supposed to. He doesn't say "I love you", enough. She doesn't ask, "How was your day?" enough.  He seems to have forgotten that the children need baths.  She always seems to want to talk during the last play of the game.

I've met many people who are upset with their partners for these transgressions against the relationship should list.

This topic reminds me of a poster I've seen, that depicts what appears to be a stop sign: a bright red octagon with white border and white block lettering.

What Do I Need? How Can I Ask For It?

There is a big difference though: rather than the word "STOP", the sign reads, "IF YOU REALLY KNEW ME THEN YOU'D KNOW WHAT TO DO RIGHT NOW." Well, I think I'm supposed to stop but I'm not really sure what you want so I'll just stop and wish that you just said so in the first place. What's that? It wouldn't count if you had to ask? Oh, yes, you're right, everyone does know what to do at a stop sign. But it didn't say stop, it just said... and so on. Well, I think everyone knows where that kind of a conversation is headed. I want to go a different way.

Relationships Don't Have a Written Rule Book

Sadly, unlike traffic, which we govern through law, relationships have no written code book or should-list. In our relationships the problem is often that our should-list, and the signs that go with it, don't match our spouse's should-list.

The dynamic works something like this -- angry wife names the charge: "you should know to say 'hi' and ask about my day when you get home. And clearly since you don't, then you must not care about it or me." At this point, the defendant husband will say, "but I don't mind if you don't ask me how I am when I get home. Besides, you never asked me to.", raising the no-big-deal, and not-my-fault defenses.

The plaintiff wife condemns these with, "Everyone knows you should. And if I have to ask for it, then it doesn't count!", thus invoking the unspoken duties pursuant to the spousal should-list. Essentially, the ruling is, you should know better, dear.

When Partners Don't Get What They Want

When I work with couples, I encounter this dynamic a lot. Many people can feel cheated when they have to ask for what they want in their relationships.

Some people even have a latent belief about relationships, a happily-ever-after fallacy of sorts, that when they met and fell in love with "the one", that would mean that all their needs, both emotional and physical, should from then on, be understood and met.

Fallacy or not, when a partner isn't getting what they want and need they feel less than fully respected. That's irritating at the least, painful when prolonged and, left unattended, can lead to harmful levels of resentment. By the time I see them, these couples feel aggravated with each other, resentful, and often, one of the pair comes ready with a list of complaints they have to present to me, the impartial third party, the judge. When couples put me in the role of judge, they can find my response a bit strange.

I first ask them if it's alright that I lose the black robe and gavel. It's not really my style and since there is no relationship law, I can't be a judge.

Then, I ask honestly, what they think the reason is that we don't have to ask for what we want from our partners? Is there really a reason why getting what we need from a partner doesn't count when we ask for it first? Let me try this dynamic - complaint as a means to fulfillment - outside of a court room. How about a restaurant?

Lack of Communication Leads to Resentment

Imagine walking into a promising restaurant and being seated at a nice corner table. The neat waiter approaches you, welcomes you to the establishment, and pours you some water. You stop him, open the menu, take a deep breath and then point to the first item and say,

"I don't like this dish. It has broccoli in it". The waiter pauses, slightly confused, then nods and you move to the second dish.

"This dish is fried. You should know I don't eat fried food". The waiter passes a brief glimpse of annoyance, nods again and you continue on to the third dish. "I hate curry. I don't think anyone really likes curry."

And then the fourth, "Asparagus?! Everyone knows that's just gross..." And imagine this process continuing on through all of the entrees, you complaining, the waiter straining to figure out what you might like, until he finally offers you something that's passable.

How long is that process going to take? How happy will both you and the waiter be in the meantime? And how likely is it that your food will arrive spit-free?

Ask for What You Want

Couples often struggle with the convention that implies, if not says outright, that we don't need to ask our partners for what we need in our relationships.  I don't know exactly where it comes from but I believe, in instances outside of birthdays and anniversaries, it's both wrong and unhelpful. There are many spouses who are intuitive and read their partners well, and that makes life easier.

But while it's certainly easier, an intuitive partner is not necessary in order to have a harmonious relationship, nor is it the only way to get what we want and need. What I tell couples is this -- you have every right to ask your spouse for what you want.

On the other hand, you don't have the right to complain about not getting what you're not asking for. Complaint as a means to fulfillment fits in a courtroom - I don't know  how well it fulfills, but that's the place for complaint. In contrast, a restaurant, as convention holds,  is a place where we should ask for what we want. This seems to work pretty well. I ask for what I'd like, I get what I ask for, and in the end I'm more satisfied. So, why not live out relationships in a more restaurant-worthy way, that of humble request, and less so under the conventions of the court room? Decide to make the shift from complaint to request.

Besides, it's generally a good sign for your relationship when you and your spouse spend more time in restaurants than court rooms.