To watch the clip about parenthood, follow the link here: Marriage scapegoats: Hiding behind your kids
The article profiles a book by David Code titled, To Raise Happy Kids Put Your Marriage First. Code suggests that there is a rising trend in parents avoiding marital conflict by focusing on parenting. I'd agree that it happens frequently, however I don't know that it's happening more often now than before. There are a number of ways in which parents can, and do, avoid marital stress. However, since channeling energy into caring for and raising children is a wholesome activity, it can be regarded as a necessary and worthy undertaking. Thereby relieving some of the guilt couples may feel about ignoring their relationship and any troubles that may be present there.
Often it's the case where a couple may be stuck with a marital issue, and not have the skills to handle conflict well in general. If they also happen to be parents, this is the perfect combination which will divert their attention into other areas of their lives where they believe they have more traction and success. For working people, the choice is often to dive farther into work and building a career, which can be viewed a family-friendly aim for working parents. But this also takes energy and focus away from the marriage. For the stay-at-home parent, a solid option is always to turn a large chunk or time, energy, and attention over to daily tasks of parenting. Including child-centered projects and activities such as PTA, coaching, or school committees.
The impact of parental focus within a marriage is better seen in a time-lapse. Gradually, the relationship drains of its intimacy due to the neglect of personal connection. As the relationship is neglected, the marriage can morph. Eventually looking more and more like a roommate situation and less like a loving couple with a solid connection, mutual reliance, and a commitment to grow together.
Fear of consequences, like increased arguments or divorce, leads parents to avoid addressing relationship issues for the "sake of the children.
Avoiding these issues puts the family's long-term happiness at a greater risk than addressing them as they occur. Parents may find satisfaction in their children's achievements when they avoid relationship stress, neglecting their marital connection.
Kid-focused outcomes fail to fill the intimacy gap, and a parent's satisfaction with their child's achievements diminishes. What a parent's gains from a child's achievements aren't as satisfying as a healthy, mutual adult connection. The feeling of progress from checking off child-focused tasks eventually grows hollow.
The only cure for the problem is to address the parental disconnect and put time and effort into reconnecting with a spouse. Focusing on the five main areas of relationship intimacy:
1) Emotional, 2) Physical 3) Sexual, 4) Intellectual 5) Spiritual.
By the way, this reconnecting need not be at the kids' expense. It should be viewed as being in service to the long-term success of the family. As well as strictly couple-focused too.
Keeping Your Marriage Strong Helps Your Children Grow
On the kids' side of the dynamic, the effects can manifest in a couple of different ways. As a parent dives into parenting, the child may feel great about the extra attention in the short run. But the longer-term effects are the ones to worry about.
As separate parents independently tend to a child's every need, then the child is deprived of the opportunity to learn the skills necessary to handle normal developmental and life stresses.
With solid parent coaching, not hovering, a child will have the freedom, opportunity, and the resources to encounter obstacles and engage in problem solving productively. Allowing them to confront a conflict successfully. On the other hand, when a hyper-vigilant parent happens to be more critical in their extended focus on a child. The result can be a hen-pecked boy or girl needy for approval.
If a parent is hovering, a child can, at the least, be ill prepared for life. At worst, entitled, demanding, and spoiled. If a parent is more driven and perfectionist in nature, then a child could turn out to be a high performer with a high degree of their own self-worth tied to performance. They may even feel like a failure if their abilities do not match what a parent pushes them toward. The outcomes for each child are largely related to the nature of the extra attention.
Maintaining a solid marriage with a good balance of attention to the five areas of intimacy is a good strategy for establishing an emotionally safe and supportive environment. Where children can feel free to take on problems, try, fail, and learn from those failures.
Under a marriage of strong and intimate connection, children will see solid modeling demonstrating the abilities needed to encounter and confront difficult topics in a mutually supportive and mature manner. The ability to name a problem without blaming, the ability to share feelings and thoughts, both happy and stressful. Most importantly, the ability to request of the other what each needs in a manner befitting a marriage of mutual commitment and nurturing.
If you are struggling with marital conflict, and would like coaching or guidance in creating a better, more intimate, connection with your spouse, contact us.
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