Sometimes we have expectations about marriage that are below the surface of our awareness.
Romance Some couples begin to feel disappointment that “the honeymoon is over” a year or two into the marriage. It’s just reality sinking in, not the end of love. There’s nothing embarrassing or “wrong” about seeking marriage counseling early in the relationship to develop healthy communication habits that can keep love fresh through common challenges that face everyone at some point.
Children There a myth that “children hold a marriage together.” It’s true that children are a bond of love that remains throughout life. There’s also a contrasting view now that a satisfying career and engagement with family, friends and community can be a fulfilling lifestyle. Sometimes one partner wants children and the other doesn’t or one person changes their mind after they’re already married. This may or may not be the end of a marriage, but a counselor can help you determine how to cross that divide.
Golden Years Some couples think that once they’ve survived the major challenges of creating a home, raising kids and developing careers they should be happy and “home free” to enjoy their “golden years.” But researchers in
healthy aging at Johns Hopkins University School of Medicine found that many couples experience increased conflicts at the time of retirement because they suddenly spend much more time together. They may have lingering
communication issues that cause them to fight about money. They may have different interests that may lead to arguments about how much time they should spend together.
It’s common to hear that one person in a long-term marriage can’t wait to retire and play golf five mornings a week, while the other has no interest in golf. One partner may want to spend as much time as possible with grandchildren, while the other wants to finally take off and see the world. These are not necessarily marriage-ending
differences, although some people do get divorced after 35 years of marriage. They’re just different preferences and a marriage counselor can help find a resolution that satisfies both people.
“These aren’t irreconcilable differences at any age or any stage of marriage,” says Michelle Carlstrom, a licensed clinical social worker and director of the Office of Work, Life and Engagement at Johns Hopkins. “The problem is, by the time most couples seek counseling, they have basically given up on the relationship and turn to therapy to clarify whether they should get divorced.”